No, this is not us — but we still got to smile
As the debate continues over whether or not we should all be wearing face masks on that tedious trot to stock up on supplies, I recently decided to take matters into my own hands and just go for it. Like so many things in life, once you've taken the plunge, your courage is rewarded with choice in abundance. I've trawled cybserpace and the choice is out there.
You can have the Hannibal Lecter Mask. The Gimp Mask. Any number of President of the United States of America masks. The Anonymous V for Vendetta mask. The Scream Movie Mask. The Mask mask from the Jim Carrey movie The Mask.
You can go for variety with the Royal Family Bumper Pack of eight masks, which includes our beloved Royal favourites such as Megan and your man, Kate and your man, Camilla, who is a man, and so on. But isn't the world a scary enough place as it is without Royal extras in the aisles of Tesco?
And of course, the ladies among you have further options available, with the likes of the Dead Sea Nourishing Mud Mask, The Charcoal Purifying Mask or even the Vit C Glow Mask.
BRANDS
Of course, not many of these would provide adequate protection for either incoming or outgoing Covid-19, and to that end, numerous brands and bands and fashion outlets have started to manufacture resuable and more reliable face masks.
I spotted a very disturbing one this week, a face mask with a very vivid representation of that creature from the Alien movie (which was called Internecivus raptus, just to give you an idea of the type of shite the future has in store for us if we ever escape this sinking ship), poised to go down the wearer's throat. We don't need that. Like I said, isn't the world a scary enough place as it is?
There is another mask available online in the spirit of the Andy Warhol diptych, but instead of Marilyn Monroe there is a chicken. I mean, Marilyn Monroe, in any situation, is better than a chicken. But given bird flu is a close relative to Covid-19 this one is in particularly poor taste. So again, we must declare: isn't the world a scary enough place as it is.
Yves Saint Lauren started manufacturing masks a few weeks ago and they can stick them up their arses.
HEROES
Billie Eilish was ahead of the game, as always, by actually wearing face masks as a general fashion accessory well before the pandemic. And yes, I would wear a Billie Eilish face mask because I think she's really bloody good. My twins however, wouldn't approve because a) I'd be that excruciating Sad Dad trying to keep up with the kids and b) I think she's really bloody good, which puts me on a loop and back into the (a) bracket and I will never win. Fair enough. I've had my heroes.
Megadeath, Korn and My Chemical Romance are all peddling branded face masks, which they say are the surplus from a gig in the desert which never went ahead and were originally designed to keep out the dust, à la Mad Max. And we'll take them at their word because they're the good guys.
But you can do better than that with a classic Rolling Stones lips logo; another with an image of Johny Cash giving the finger, or – and here comes real scary – masks that replicate, to the pixel, the jawline, teeth, lips, both orifices of mouth and nose – the lower half of the face basically – of rock gods like Ozzy, Chris Cornell, Jagger or Prince. And as much as I love them, I really don't know if I want any of those guys sat on my face and am on the lookout for similar masks by Beyonce, Rihanna, Taylor Swift or your one who sang 'Boys, Boys, Boys' back in the eighties, when I was a little boy. Sabrina, that's who it was. She probably is 80 now, but the memory of her is as fresh as the day I first set eyes on her in that swimming pool video. So I'll take one if one becomes available.
PROTOTYPES
Of course, before the face mask became en vogue and surgical masks were nowhere to be found, we all had to make do with the prototypes cobbled together at home. I tried the teacloth and the dish cloth, even tore up a t-shirt but nothing worked well enough because of slippage. You can't let the mask slip.
The eureka moment came when I spotted the underwear. Clean ones. You know the way you buy a two- or three-pack and there is always one you don't like. The colour or pattern is just not right. So it stays in the drawer until a pandemic comes along.
I happened to have a cast-off from a Superdry boxer pack – orange, with black elastic – and it was the elastic that was crucial. A careful incision between the legs and the whole lot goes over the head; a knot on the elastic at the back keeps it safe and snug over the nose. Plus you got the seriously fucking cool logo on display and don't need to wear your jeans around your knees to show it off. Innit. And in the early pandemic days, I was the envy of every customer in the Lidl car park who would shout out, 'Hey! Dude! Where'd you get the Superdry face mask?'. (Actually, I lie, it was Tokyo Laundry.)
But like every novelty, the fun wears off. Now I just sport the humdrum, black reusbale cotton mask, which is boring but practical and stops me rifling the jelly teeth from the pick 'n' mix as I wait in line at Tesco.
SOULS
The wonder in all of this though, is why the authorities dithered for so long over whether or not the face mask was to become mandatory. Was it for medical reasons or existential ones? Maybe it was the latter. They have the well-being of our souls in mind.
Wearing a face mask not only conceals your identity, it suppresses your personality. The eyes are the window to the soul but your face is the miror to the world. You are not who you are behind a mask. Down through history, the face mask has always been the most basic, go-to disguise for the bad guys, the villians, the highwaymen, the bank robbers, the crims. And now we have to go down that dark road.
Masks will further divide us, take us from physical to spiritual distancing where we all regard each other with wariness, suspicion and the fear which is already so pervasive will only be heightened.
Recently, I had to go and collect a take-away at a local restaurant and was wearing the black face mask, right up to the eyelids. When I entered the lady looked twice, just a little startled. And without thinking, I said, 'Hi. It's OK. I am actually smiling underneath this thing.' I think she appreciated it.
If we all got to start wearing masks, find one so we can help eachother smile.
Stay sane!
For your rock god masks, have a look here: