We’re on the one road, to God knows where

Black spots, white lines, red morning, grey skies, road rage and petrol heads, hills, pills and coffee spills; a fork in the road, a knife in the back, hard shoulders, stiff neck; tolls, trolls, eyes like potholes, a wrong turn, the right prayer to St Christopher in the baby chair; slow lanes, fast food, McDonalds for a drive-thru; shook shocks, counting clocks, party like it's, I don’t know. Bangkok? I've got me my road map and for the next three months, this is going to be one long and winding road trip folks. So, strap in and hang tight.

By now, you've probably exhausted all the mental energy you have left trying to figure out exactly what the Roadmap to Ease COVID-19 Restrictions and Re-open Ireland’s Society and Economy means and where it's taking us. Look, don't waste any more time. I've done some thorough research and here's where we're really headed.

Phase 1

The first phase on this road trip was meant to be the gentle one, ease us back out into the world and offer little more than wholesome food for the soul, light sustenance for the spirit but fuck all for the flesh. So what did they decide to open first? Was it a Buddhist retreat? A convent? A colonic irrigation clinic? No, the hardware stores. So we could all go in and get our hands on hammers and hatchets, nail guns and clamps, chain saws, cutters, barbed wire and hacksaws, not to mention spools of that hardcore duct tape which featured strongly in movies like Taken 1, 2 and 3. I was there the first day, queing like a centipede outside before cruising the lanes inside in shorts and sandals, voices still in my head telling me all kinds of stuff I dare not repeat. I saw things being loaded into the car boots. People, get ready, we are in for one hell of a ride.

The upside to being back on the road is you can now get to indulge in the type of pastimes you were dreaming about while cooped up like a battery hen. And they got that one right too. Bowls, angling, orienteering, pitch and putt, rowing and - the one we have all really been planning for - the triathlon. Can't wait.

The downside is now the outdoor workers are back on the job, all that long grass in the village greens, verges, ditches and common spaces in housing estates, which was perfect for hiding in, is now gone. You can sketch that one out for yourselves.

But hey, you know the saying, if you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there. So onwards to Phase 2.

Phase 2

The first pit stop we can all look forward to in Phase 2, which gets underway on June 8, is a slight modification to the normal BYOB party (Bring Your Own Booze, in case you forgot; well, it has been that long) which will become a more sobering Bring Your Own Blues party, where everyone can meet up on the lawn, remain several metres apart and air all the shit, the issues, the moans, the moments, the poems that were written, the songs that were penned, the spooks and the ghost stories and laugh and cry and maybe conclude by reciting the line together that the blues is just good people feeling bad and everything must pass.

By way of a tease, the first cultural offering by the government on this road trip also comes in Phase 2, which will see the opening of the local library, which is nice. And so long as you don't have that compulsion to lick your fingers while turning the pages of a book you're probably in safe hands. It does seem a bit pointless though and I can't imagine there being a rush to get in the doors. Unless you are one of those who had previously been hiding in the long grass until Phase 1 kicked in and have discovered the perfect substitute between the bookshelves of your local library. You can sketch that one out for yourselves.

I will pop down though. Get the kids off the tablets for an hour. But only to check if a copy of my new book has come in yet. It's called The Ghost Song. And it's available on Amazon if not. And in Kindle format too. I've read it loads during the lockdown.

Phase 3

Looking ahead to June 29 and Phase 3 finally ushers in more room to vroom, with the roaming limit extended to 20km. Yippee ki-yay Motherfuckers. So where are we allowed to go now? The playground down the road. That's the height of it. And on the subject of heights, bizarrely, only shops with a 'ground level entrance' are allowed to open. Seriously. Did Rapunzel open a chain of stores that I'm not aware of? Because I don't ever remember having to scale a tower to get into a shop before the lockdown.

Also, only people who can work safely while maintaining a 2-metre distance from others are allowed to return to the office. Which is great. It's been four months and not even the folks who print The Big Issue can get back and get the job done. How's that for irony?

Phase 4

Phase 4 brings us a little light of hope. Although, you get the sense that it's the same light of hope that has been driving you pissed to the fridge in the small hours, hoping there was something there to chew on, like a chicken leg, but knowing deep down that there was nothing at all. But you went anyway. And the light came on. Remember it? Well, that's the light we really have to cling to now because all going well (and this is the nanny of all nanny states), Phase 4, July 20, finally gives us the right to party. And the right to go back into the church and pray. And I know what I'll be doing first. On bended knee, praying to St Augustine of Hippo, the patron saint of brewers and beer, St Vincent of Saragossa, the patron saint of wine, St Bibiana of Rome, the patron saint of hangovers (she died a horrible death by the way and it wasn't from the drink), and St Monica of Hippo, Augustine's Mammy and patron saint of alcoholics, for the party to beat all parties. Amen I say.

The hotels open too. But they can fuck off. I've checked the prices and even from behind closed doors they're ripping us off.

Phase 5

Finally, the road map brings us to Phase 5, August 10, where apart from letting us all get back to work, this phase sees the reopening of piercing outlets. Tattoo parlours. Offshore islands. And pubs. And you can sketch that one out for yourselves.

Stay sane!